say crack again

I started to hook up with boys right around the same time male anorexia became super popular. So instead of getting to mack on some Mario Lopez dreamboat, I was resigned to grabbing some guy’s ass that felt like it was made out of thin air. Excuse me, but this is not what I signed up for when I agreed to be a homosexual. I wanted men, not some waify guy who had the body of a 12-year-old girl. If a big stupid Jersey Shore clone wanted to get physical with me, I would be like “Yes please. And pull my hair and beat me up a little bit too!” At some point, I think everyone should be with a person who has a different body type because it’s like getting an all-access pass to a foreign land. And if you ever start missing a body that looks like yours, you can just go have sex with yourself. There. Problem solved.

Hooking up with a ho might seem like a gross idea at first but it’s actually highly recommended. The reason is simple: they know what they’re doing because they’ve perfected their craft through years of practice. It’s kind of a cruel joke actually. The guy who’s going to take cues from Say Anything and write you letters and make you mix tapes is probably going to attack your mouth, kill it, and leave it for dead while the one who treats you like a piece of garbage will give you the best sex of your life. Just call this Life is unfair: Part 2455888.

Hot people are overrated. Even they will admit it and say, “Yeah. I’m not that great but my face is awesome. Wanna look at it a little bit more?” Ugly guys, however, know what they’re working with. They know they have a face and/or body only a mother could love so they make the best of it by being great sexual partners. I know this might sound like some crap fed to you by Sex and the City, but it’s kind of true. Ugly guys know it’s their job to be amazing in bed. If they can actually make it that far with someone, they know they have to pull out all the stops and give you the Nirvana Nevermind of sex. So the next time an ugly guy is trying to smooch with you, give him a chance. He just might blow the Patrick Bateman rich banker out of the water.

Getting with someone you can’t stand can actually be a great idea. They’re like a little Chihuahua who won’t stop barking in your ear. Everything they say is so annoying and the only way to get them to shut up is to just kiss them. Hard and rough. Almost violent. Bite their lip, push them down, and go to town. In between kisses, you can be like, “I. Hate you. So. Much. Kiss me. Screw you. Screw me!” Hate sex can sometimes be better than loving sex, which is disturbing but real.

Just kidding! Can you believe that people used to do that though? Eleanor and Franklin Roosevelt were fifth cousins once removed and even that seems like it was pushing it. Like collecting pogs and beanie babies, I’m glad that smooshing your cousin has become socially unacceptable.